run · away · with · me...

I was really hesitant to write this post because it would be really personal and until this point, I am still debating on whether or not I actually want to continue with this. I think I really need to, though.
For the past two days, I have been visiting my Lola at the nursing home. To be honest, it breaks my heart to see her here. I would never imagine her being in a place like this. I'm not saying it's a bad place and that there's something wrong with it; I just don't like the idea.
I always pictured my Lola being home. I always pictured her being strong and lively. I always had it embedded in my mind that she'd outlive all of us and be able to see every milestone in her grandchildren's lives, while reaching milestones of her own. My Lola means a great deal to me. There wasn't ever a time in my life where I don't recall her not being there. She took care of five grandchildren all at once. That's real love right there. Ry, Rein, Jay, Jess, and Myself were all one year apart; Ry being four to Jess & Myself being one. She's only had to take care of that many grandchildren once and I'm glad I was a part of that. She has five children, ten grandchildren, three great-grandchildren, and more grandchildren that she has yet to see and I'm hoping she will see.
Now, to see her unable to do simple day-to-day tasks on her own breaks my heart. I don't like the idea of her being in a nursing home. I don't think it's the right place for her to be. Shewon't be alone for long periods of time because my Mom will be going there daily, as will I, but what about the times she is? I can't even begin to imagine how she feels when she wakes up and she doesn't see a familiar face. I can't even imagine how she really feels about being there. It fucking sucks that she can't even voice her own feelings because it's difficult for her to talk. I know she doesn't want to be there. We all know that she doesn't want to be there. It's just getting harder to take care of her at home. She's the only person I speak Tagalog to and I asked her if she wanted to go home today. Tell me your heart wouldn't ache seeing her nodding her head knowing that you couldn't take her home, even though you badly wanted to. I'd give anything to be able to take her home and take care of her Myself. It sucks that I can't. Not because I don't want to, but because I wouldn't even know where to start.
I lay there with her in her bed, while she sleeps or when she's awake. I can't do anything except just be there with her, but that's enough for me. I know she appreciates that we're there. I can only hope that that's enough for her; but, I know it is. Going there daily is the least thing I can do. There's one upside of her being there and it's that it's so close to my house that I could walk there if I wanted to.
Anyway, I'm stalling on the real reason why I wanted to post about this. I'm reluctant to finish this entry because I don't like the fact that these thoughts cross my mind.
The main reason I don't like my Lola being in a nursing home is this... I'm afraid of losing her sooner rather than later. I know it isn't right thinking about it, but I can't help it. I feel like it'll just weaken her if we leave her there. She doesn't wake up to being with her family. She's not with my Lolo twenty-four-seven and one of her children aren't the ones tending to her needs all the time. She won't be at home every Sunday for us to visit; instead we have to cramp in her room, ensuring we don't disturb her other roommates. She had to adjust to new routines and she has to familiarize herself with all the new people and new surroundings.
What the hell am I going to do if this breaks her apart so much that it lessens her will to live? What the hell am I going to do when she's gone? I can't cope with that! I don't even want to think about it.
For now, I will cherish every single moment I have with her. I will be thankful for every day that she lives to see. I will be grateful for the love and care she's always given me and the rest of my family. She's the most important person in my life. I can't imagine ever being without her.

xoxo

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Today was a very important day for many reasons. Not only was it important, it was quite bittersweet to say the least. Brace yourselves, this is going to be a long entry...
First off, my enrollment to York University was scheduled for today and I would have to admit that I was very excited to enroll. It started off well because I was able to skip the introduction since I was a returning student. In an instant, what I thought was going to be a great appointment, turned out to be the most discouraging moment that I've had in a while. I was excited to finally move forward from my mistakes. My mistakes have definitely come back to bite me in the ass. If there is one thing that I am truly regretful for, it has to be the mistakes I have made concerning my education. I am truly paying for it now. It's hurtful that I could be so careless and make such frivolous decisions that would greatly affect my future. Even when I knew what I had gotten Myself into, at the time, I was unable to bounce back from what I had done. I knew better and that's why I had been so disappointed with Myself. I would have never pictured jeopardizing my future if I wasn't do highly unmotivated. I'll admit to my mistakes, that's for sure. I know better this time around and I'm going to give this another try, hoping for success. There is no such thing as failure this time. I'm grateful for another chance. I know to not only do better, but to be better. I'm realistically hurting no one else, but Myself. I'm the only one that can really gain from my own successes. Everyone else sees a bright future; I just have to really want to see it too. I not only see, but I want it. I have a greater support system and an even greater dedication when I accomplish what I started. I can do this. I'll show you all that I can do this. Most of all, I owe it to Myself to do this.

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