JUST THE SAME.
lj10
[info]jcachola
L: Brooke, I never meant to hurt you.
B: That doesn't really matter, Lucas. 'Cause in the end, it all hurts just the same.


There's so much I could say to this, but for now, I'll silence my thoughts.
That's the thing... No matter who tells you or how much they mean it, even if they never meant to hurt you, it can still hurt like hell and hurt just the same.  I've heard that line; heard that line over and over.  You know what?  I wonder why any of those guys that spat out those words even bothered saying them.  It didn't make the situation any better and it definitely didn't make the outcome any easier.  As easy as it was for them to say,  I kind of wished that it was just as easy to hear.  But, it wasn't.  I think it was even harder to hear; knowing that someone didn't mean to hurt you, but it happened anyway.   Maybe, it's the fact that you believed it throughout the whole relationship and you could never imagine it happening.  Is it so wrong to think that, though?  You could be so caught up in all the great things that you're just that oblivious to the fact, that there may come a time where it isn't going to work and you aren't that great for each other. 
I think the worst part about this happening is that it can make someone so jaded, especially if it's happened over and over again.  Believe me, I would know about that.  After all, I must admit, that I can be extremely jaded and not believe in any truth that any guy has to say to me; no matter how good it may sound.  But, I don't think you can blame me for that either.  It's unlike I let any of that hurt affect the decisions that I continue to still make.  Being hurt doesn't mean I let that control anything good that may happen.  I never let it get in the way of the fact that more than anything, I always try to see the good in people.  I never let it get in the way of the faith that I have.   Any of my friends that know my heartaches can see why I'm jaded; hell, anyone that consistently read my LJ can see it.  The one thing I'm proud of though is that I am always able to bounce back from it.
I think, no matter how badly you've been hurt, you should never give up on the fact that you can and you will be happy again.  I'm not saying that you won't get hurt again 'cause it can surely happen.  That doesn't mean you should let the hurt control you and let it block out everything else.  Take another chance.  This world wasn't made to be perfect.  No one was made to be perfect either.  You weren't made to be perfect.  So, it's okay to make mistakes.  It's okay to be hurt.  It's okay to be happy.  It's okay if, for the time being, you don't want to believe again.  But, I promise, things will always and only get better if you let it.

I let it and I swear to you, this is the best thing that has happened to me in a really good while.

xoxo
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FORECAST THE FUTURE.
lj10
[info]jcachola
In the midst of reviewing an old blog, I decided to visit another one that was started a couple years ago.  It wasn't a blog of my own, but a blog that I shared with someone else.
Want to know what I did with it? I deleted it.  It no longer serves a purpose and it's really sad that it isn't being used anymore.  You know what's even more sad?  The person that I shared it with, kind of, sort of, doesn't exist in my life anymore.   What do I mean by that?  I no longer speak to this other person.  Why? 'Cause of some sort of stupid relationship that she decided was worth more than any other relationship that she currently possessed with friends and family.
Why did I decide to post about this?  I found it real ironic that the second last post that was on the blog jokingly stated that "we are no longer friends".  It's weird how things work out, you know.  You'd think that you would be connected with someone and be lifelong friends with someone for the rest of your life, then something happens to change all that.  You want to know the worst part?  I would have never succumbed to the insane requests a person had to control my life, especially to let go of the wonderful life I had with more than wonderful people.  AND, even if, he didn't make you do any of it and we all just blame him to have someone to blame, YOU CHOSE TO FINALIZE IT ALL AND ACTUALLY STOP ANY RELATION YOU HAD WITH ANY OF US. 
I hope you're happy with where you're at. I'm not mad either.  How could I possibly be angry with someone that doesn't have anyone to be there for them?

xoxo
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HAPPINESS.
lj10
[info]jcachola
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PRETTY WINGS.
lj10
[info]jcachola
He decided to show up again.   It was a polite gesture, so she won't question why.  It's good to know that he still thinks of her, especially around times like these.  She won't speculate, she won't question, she'll just accept it.  She doesn't need a reason to fall back to any of it.  After all, she has all that she needs right now.
xoxo

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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HIM.
lj10
[info]jcachola
2011.12.04.
xoxo
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IMMATURE IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
lj10
[info]jcachola
The level of immaturity is definitely at an all-time high.  Never have I had to deal with such frivolous situations and I'm appalled at the fact that individuals can be so ignorant and possess such a level of immaturity.  After all, I did think to Myself that I was talking to grown individuals.  I guess that it was poor judgment on my part.  But, I am more than okay with that fact because at the end of this all, I am not the one that looks foolish. 
So for the sake of saving one's reputation,  I will not present you with any names.  I am here to ease my mind of this because for whatever reason, I am still so bothered by it.   Why am I bothered?  Because you are so damn hypocritical! For goodness sake, you were talking about a whole lot of shit and did you not realize that you were doing the exact actions that you were speaking so poorly of?  If you only understood how dumb you sounded, I think you would be just as irritated as I.  For one, don't fucking beat around the bush if you don't know how.  I knew all along what the fuck you were talking about, so there was really no point in trying SO HARD to 'teach me a lesson/lecture me' 'cause I knew exactly what you were trying to get at.  Also, don't do other people's dirty work.  You want to talk about being careful about what I say, so as to not let things slip and keep my word, yet little did you understand that the way you were explaining this supposed lesson, you may as well have just called out names.

This will lead me to another thing has is bothering the shit out of me.  I do not trust any of you guys that supposedly call yourselves my friends.  Let's put this out there right now, whether or not you read this... Again, I will not call out names, but if you feel as if this is directed towards you, it probably is.  For the life of me, I question Myself now more than ever on how much I thought I trusted you guys, not girls, but guys.  You guys went on about how you'd always have my back. Bull-fucking-shit.  For one, as much as you say you guys are grown men, you're all immature boys that still have a lot of growing up to do.  Why? 'Cause clearly, you do not know how to handle your loyalties and you're all too focused on representing this image that you think is a good one, when it's really just shady as fuck and not a good look at all.  If you're going to talk my business, that's fine.  It was wrong of me to ever trust any of you 'cause truthfully, you're worst than girls!  If you have a problem with me or with something I did, tell me yourself. Man the fuck up.  Don't go discussing with anyone else 'cause in the end, it'll get back to me and you'll look just as stupid as the person that let it slip. 
Leave me out of your damn gossip and your damn high school ways.  I graduated from high school a while back and don't need any of your dramatics.  That includes the stupidness that you put on Twitter.  If you have something to say about anything, grow some balls, and say it straight... Or, if you can't do that, at least mention me in your immature tweets.
You're definitely all the same and all act the same.  I more than 100% understand why you are all friends.  NONE of you are any different or any better than the other.
xoxo
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SNOW, WHERE ARE YOU?
lj10
[info]jcachola
Did my last bit of snowboard shopping today and I'm ready to learn... Or am I?  So, I'm afraid that I will break my legs, bruise myself all over, oh and, fall three million times over and over again.  So much so that I am hesitant to even start snowboarding at all.
Anyway, I just tried on my boots and attached them to my board with my snowpants and jacket on.  LOL! Kind of got excited there.  So, bring on the snow already.  I want to start learning.  If not, I suppose I can always go snowtubing... Even though no one wants to come with me.

xoxo
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WHEN BEST FRIENDS BECOME STRANGERS.
lj10
[info]jcachola
So, as of lately, I have been working crazy hours at work and have been fairly exhausted that I don't do anything, but sleep right when I get home from work.  What's the point of this tidbit of information?  Well, you see, last Friday, my bestfriends and I planned on having our Christmas dinner after we were all done work for the day.  So, on Friday, I worked a 10hr shift that started at 6:3Oam and ended at 4:45pm.  Not only that, for the last three hours of my shift, I had to actually done physical labour trying to clean and organize the beer fridge with Cleon.  After we were finally done cleaning up, we stayed at work for a bit to have a well-deserved drink.  By the time I got home, I was more than exhausted and barely had the strength to do anything.  I ended up falling asleep right when I got home and sure enough, I missed dinner.  After the multiple phone calls and excessive pings, I didn't wake up and missed out on our Christmas dinner.  And of course, I had to work the next day for another 8hours.
Okay, I'm going to stop stalling now and get to the real point of this entry.
So, I messaged my girls and apologized for missing dinner, hoping that they wouldnt be mad and hoping that they'd understand. What was the response I received?  No message back from two of them and one-worded response that led to no response from the other one.  Okay, understandable that they're upset with me.  I have been absent for the last little bit, but is it really that hard to respond or even react to my apology.  Like fuck, I know I did something wrong and admitted to it, so why can't I get a decent reply back?  To be honest, I am really, really hurt by this.  I haven't been sad in a very long time and this really triggered it.
For one hing, aside from my familly, my bestfriends mean the world to me and i have to admit that I really wouldn't be who I am or be where I am without them.
I don't care how dumb this whole entry sounded.  I just needed to get this off my mind and into words.
For one thing, I would have at least responded if roles were reversed and one of them were in my shoes.
But, I guess that's just me.
I miss my bestfriends, that's all.

xoxo
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GENUINE.
lj10
[info]jcachola
Do you know that feeling of genuine happiness after you've felt like you never be happy again?  It's that exact feeling that is making itself present in my life right now.  For whatever reason, I am more than ecstatic that I have this feeling under my wings.  I sincerely thought that this wouldn't exist for a really long time, but I thought wrong. 
And fuck, am I ever thankful.
xoxo

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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SCREAMING.
lj10
[info]jcachola
Sometimes, I wish that I could say all that I needed to say without limitations and without being judged.  I don't even want an answer, but then what's the point of saying anything at all if you don't get a reaction out it? I mean, these are my thoughts, so why can't I just say what I want to.  Oh, so because I have to go abouts not letting anything bother me, means I can't speak my mind?  For fuck sakes, if there is one thing that I genuinely need to do, it's to speak my mind at the instant that I feel like there is something that is bothersome.
So, what the fuck is bothering me? Pardon my language. I am really just frustrated and feel the need to be angry. This whole damn situation that shouldn't be bothering me is bothering me.  I hate falling back against my word and I hate falling back on what I should be doing.  You know what, though? Shit is truly easier said than done.  Here's the deal, though.  I want better for Myself and I realistically, I don't want to fall back and I don't want to end up back where I was.  So, what's the problem?  It's the mere fact that I definitely allow Myself to feel more than I should.
Do you want me to admit to something? I miss it all.  I definitely got to used to being around you. I definitely got used to the routine that we formulated. I definitely got used to everything. But fuck, could you really blame me?  Let's be honest 'cause it was said on both ends, that we did set up a routine and I'm sure that we both got used to everything.
I think the thing that boggles my mind though is that nothing was ever fucking said.  The one thing that always pissed me off and hurt me the most was the fact that no guy that I have ever 'dated/talked' to ever, EVER, had the decency to speak up and man up when things were getting too serious and they didn't want anything further.  The funny thing is, I'm one of the easiest persons you could ever speak to. Truthfully, if you didn't want anything more, WHY THE FUCK did you do all the things you did? Do you guys really expects girls not to catch feelings when you sometimes do the nicest things that would never be expected? Like, let's be real.  Put yourselves in the other person's shoes and think about the things you've done.  Why wouldn't you expect something more to come out of it?
I'm not the kind of girl to screw around with someone's feelings.  I'm not the kind of girl that will expect a lot.  I'm not the kind of girl to be a bitch.  If you wanted to screw around with someone's head when you knew from the beginning that you really didn't want anything, why in the world did you continue talking to me? No. If you didn't want anything at all, never should you have done all the things you did.
I'm over it.  I don't care about shit anymore.
Here's the bad thing... I always care, even when I shouldn't. But, I can truthfully say that I no longer do.


xoxo


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